


Burden

by ESawyer



Category: The Book of Mormon - Ambiguous Fandom, The Book of Mormon - Parker/Stone/Lopez
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Character Study, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Uganda (Book of Mormon Musical), domestic abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:08:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24986587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ESawyer/pseuds/ESawyer
Summary: Chris Thomas hates the word burden.
Relationships: Elder Church/Elder Thomas (Book of Mormon Musical), McPricely are there sorta, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35
Collections: A Little Less Mormon Than We Thought...





	Burden

James liked to use the word ‘burden’, Chris did not. 

James thought that he was too much, that Chris didn’t need to spend his days with him and that if he wanted to break up once they got back to America, he wouldn’t be mad. Chris thought that James was mad for suggesting any of those things, promising him that once they got back to the states, everything would fall into place. 

Some things fell into place, and sometimes it felt like it wasn’t enough. 

They had an apartment together, which was nice, but the apartment was tiny and Chris was trying not to think about how they really had been scammed with the amount of rent that they were paying. Then there was the fact that Chris’ parents were very much still in the early stages of grief and he didn’t really know how to make his parents see that their world wasn’t crumbling when a massive part of it already had (his own grief was something that he was probably going to deal with at a later date. That’s what he told Connor, anyway). 

Most of the time, he was too busy worrying about James to worry about much else. There were days when he was his usual cheerful self and it was like nothing was wrong. And then there were _other_ days. 

The days when James remembered that his parents were still together, and his mom refused to see that there was light at the end of a tunnel. Where sometimes, he would come home from visiting them with a busted lip and a bruise on his cheek and Chris could do nothing but sit beside him and hold an ice-pack to his cheek. On these days, James couldn’t sleep in the same bed as him and would have to sleep on the sofa. Chris, in turn, would sleep on their other sofa because sleeping in bed without him felt wrong. 

And maybe he should have known that things wouldn’t just ‘fall into place’ and that James would have more than a suitcase to unpack when they got back to America. 

He had realised it the first time they had fought. Chris had gotten home from a very long day at work to find that James still hadn’t taken the trash out. He’d snapped at him a little, expecting James to snap right back and refuse to take the trash out in protest. 

Instead, he had burst into tears and collapsed onto the sofa, apologising profusely and promising that it wouldn’t happen again. 

Chris had thought that he was joking until everything had quickly fallen into place and he’d almost tripped over himself promising James that he wasn’t going to do _that_ and that he was just a bit stressed because of work but that had nothing to do with him. James had flinched every time Chris touched him, but he still wasn’t going to use the word burden. 

* * *

“Kevin has, um... _issues_ doesn’t he?” Chris asked hesitantly. 

Connor looked up at him, stirring his drink with his straw, “Are you being mean to him again?” 

“No!” Chris exclaimed, because for once, he wasn’t bullying Kevin, “No, I’m not, but he...he does, doesn’t he?” 

Connor sighed, glancing around the Starbucks they were in and leaning over the table a little. It was at this point that Chris realised talking about their boyfriends _issues_ in such a public place where anyone could hear might not be the best idea. 

“He does,” Connor said quietly, “Why are you asking?” 

Chris shrugged, “Cause I think that - no, I don’t _think -_ but James has a lot of baggage, you know?” 

“Hard to deal with?” 

Chris faltered, staring down at his drink and feeling terrible for even admitting that sometimes James’ anxieties were hard to deal with. They had had to cancel their last two dinner reservations because James had had a bad day both times, and Chris never liked to push him into leaving the apartment when he didn’t want to. 

“It’s not - It’s not _him_ ,” Chris said quickly, “He isn’t...He’s not a burden. I just don’t like him hurting so much, because I can’t do anything to fix it. I can’t get his mom to leave his dad, or for his dad to not be horrible whenever he goes and sees them!” 

“Why does he still visit?” Connor asked with a sigh, “He needs to go no contact,” 

“Don’t you think I know that?” Chris asked, “but he won’t because if he didn’t go over, then his mom would never see anyone but his dad. And whenever I mention going to the cops, he tells me that it isn’t that simple,” 

“It probably isn’t that simple,” Connor said, “Sometimes I think I can solve Kevin’s problems simply but I know I can’t. Everything takes time, and I’m sure James will talk to the police or social services when he’s ready,” 

Chris nodded and looked down at his drink again, “All I want is for him to be okay. Is that too much to ask?” 

* * *

And maybe it was too much to ask for. James was already home when Chris walked through the front door, curled up on the sofa with his knees to his chest. He looked much younger and much smaller than he usually did. 

Chris hesitated for a moment, taking his time in taking off his coat and throwing his keys into the bowl by the door. He kept his eyes on James the entire time, waiting for the usual greeting of him bounding over to him like a puppy and giving him a kiss on the cheek. Instead, James lay exactly where he was, not even looking up to acknowledge Chris’ presence. 

“Hey, Jamie,” Chris said, wondering if maybe he hadn’t noticed him come in. 

“Hi,” James said, sounding like he had a nasty bout of the flu, “How’s Connor?” 

“He’s okay,” Chris said, speaking slowly as he took note of James’ red eyes and flushed face, “Done anything fun today?” 

James shook his head, “No. I went to see my mom and dad,” 

Chris nodded and slowly walked over to the couch, sitting cross legged on the floor so he was eye level with James. They locked eyes for a moment before James’ eyes flickered up to the ceiling instead. Chris sighed and rested his head on his hands, wishing that he could do a little more than just stare at him. 

“My mom told me not to come anymore,” James whispered. 

Chris took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to find the correct words to say. There had been numerous occasions where Chris had said the wrong thing to James when he was like this, and he was in no rush to do so again. 

“Did she - Did she say why?” Chris asked quietly. 

James squeezed his eyes shut, his bottom lip trembling, “He saw - He saw a picture of us together on Facebook. He knows that...He knows that I’m gay and that we’re together and he...he can’t stand it,” 

Chris bit the inside of his lip, forcing himself to not start crying. One thing that he wasn’t able to shift was the unrelenting guilt that his parents had been more than accepting of his family and James. And whilst James had never openly said it, Chris knew that he was jealous at not having the same sort of strong family unit that he did. 

“I’m sorry,” Chris whispered, “What can I do to help?” 

James shook his head, hiding his face in the sofa cushions. Chris moved onto his knees, hesitantly placing his hand on James’ shoulder only for it to be shoved off seconds later. 

“Please don’t,” James mumbled, “I don’t want to hurt you,” 

“Jamie, please, you’re not going to-” 

“Please!” James exclaimed, “I - I can’t. I’m so - I’m so _angry_ at my dad, and I don’t want to take it out on you,” 

Chris would have liked to point out that there was no way he’d ever hurt him, because he cried whenever Chris killed a bug, but kept his mouth shut. Instead, he gently ran his fingers through James’ hair and slowly walked over to their bedroom, keeping the door ajar even though he knew that James wouldn’t come to bed. 

* * *

Chris wasn’t sure how long he’d been asleep - or if he’d been asleep at all - when there was a knock on the bedroom door. He stretched his legs out and sat up, squinting through the darkness. 

“Sorry,” James said, “Were you sleeping?” 

“It’s fine,” Chris said, “Are you okay?” 

“Uh, can I come in?” 

“This is your bedroom, too. You don’t have to ask,” 

James’ movements were slow, and he sat at the very end of the bed, shoulders hunched and head bent low. Chris crossed his legs underneath him and flicked the lamp on, patiently waiting for James to break the silence. 

“I’m sorry,” James said after a while, “For always pushing you away,” 

“It’s okay. I don’t blame you,” 

James looked over at him with a frown, “Why?” 

Chris shrugged, “Because I know you’re not doing it maliciously,” 

“I’m scared I’m going to be like my dad one day,” James said. 

Chris moved towards him, still making sure to keep his distance. There were two sides to James: the side where he wanted to be touching Chris at all times; whether it be a hand on the small of his back or their shoulders pressing together when they were sat next to each other and this side - the side where he handled Chris like a priceless piece of art, terrified making a dent. And whilst Chris had always loved how affectionate James could be, he had yet to learn how to navigate this other side to him. 

Whenever Chris was sad, he liked to be bundled up in James' arms and stay there for days until the outside world seemed less scary and he could function as a real adult. It was for this reason that Chris could not understand why James liked to be alone when he was sad. Connor said that Kevin was the exact same, but was getting better at talking about his feelings, Chris said that they both had an unfortunate taste in emotionally unavailable, sleep deprived men. 

“I know you see yourself in him, but I don’t,” Chris said quietly, “You _literally_ wouldn’t hurt a fly. You were never even mean to the snakes in Africa. And those snakes would have killed us if Davis wasn’t strangely good at snake removal,” 

Chris thought that the corners of James’ mouth might have quirked up a little as he spoke, and took that as a sign to keep on talking. 

“I know you don’t always believe me when I say this, but I trust you and I love you,” 

“I love you,” James whispered, “but I - I worry that I don’t show you that sometimes,” 

“What do you mean?” 

James cheeks flushed, “Well, we - we haven’t had sex. Ever,” 

Chris raised his eyebrows and pressed his lips together. Out of everything that he thought James was going to say, he did not think it was going to be _that._ They had never spoken about sex before, mainly because Chris had thought that James might not have been interested in sex and would talk to him about it when he was ready. 

He and Connor had talked about it a lot in Africa, both embarrassingly desperate to have sex with their boyfriends. Connor had kept on saying “ _it’ll happen when it’ll happen!”_ and then it had happened for Connor and Kevin, but it had never happened for Chris and James. 

“I know,” Chris said quietly, “but I don’t - I don’t know what that has to do with you loving me,” 

“I’m scared of hurting you,” James said, “That if we do it, I’ll - something will snap and then...then you’ll get hurt,” 

“I understand, Jamie. I don’t want to - we don’t need to rush into anything. And I - um..” Chris scrubbed a hand over his face, “I’m more worried about...I’m more worried about you than anything else,” 

James shook his head and wiped his eyes, “My mom thinks I’m gonna be like him. She always says that you should be careful around me. If my - If my _mom_ thinks that I’m going to be like him then-” 

Carefully, Chris moved closer to James and put his hand over his. When James didn't flinch away, Chris linked their fingers together and rested his head on his shoulder. James tensed for a moment before he rested his head against his. 

“I know you love your mom, and you’d do anything for her,” Chris began, “but the way she sees relationships is going to be very different to the way other people do. And I trust you with my whole heart, Jamie. I don’t think that you’d ever hurt me,” 

“I think - I think I need to go to the police,” James whispered. 

“Yeah,” Chris said, “I think you do,” 

“I should have gone sooner, I don’t know why I’ve been protecting him! I should have - I should have been protecting my mom, not him!” 

Chris sat back on his feet, cupping James’ face with his hands, “Don’t blame yourself for anything. You’re not at fault here. It’s your dad who’s at fault. Not you.” 

James leaned forward and rested his forehead against Chris’, a hand lightly running up and down his back. 

“Will you come to the police with me?” James asked quietly. 

“Of course,” Chris whispered, “Whatever you need, babe. I promise I’ll be there through everything,” 

James stared at him for a moment and all but collapsed into him; he wrapped his arms around his middle and buried his face into his neck, crying in a way that he had never heard him cry before. The sound was guttural, bordering on inhumane and completely and utterly heartbreaking. 

“Hey, Jamie, let’s...let’s lie down,” Chris whispered, “Come on. We can - We can get more comfortable,” 

It took awhile to coax James into lying next to him, and even longer to convince him to let him hold him. Their height difference made it a little ridiculous; James curling up against his chest made Chris feel like a koala clinging onto a tree. Under any other circumstances, he might have found it funny. 

“If I ever hurt you, don’t stay with me. Call the police,” James said. 

Chris looked down at him, “James-”

“Just promise me,” he whispered, “ _Please_ ,” 

“O-Okay,” Chris said, his voice shaking, “I - I promise,” 

He felt James’ body begin to shake as he started crying again, his hands furling and unfurling in his t-shirt. Chris tightened his hold around him, pressing a kiss to his forehead and wishing that he could say something to make it all better and instead settled on telling him that he loved him. 

“I love you, too,” James mumbled. 

18 months later, they would be sat with James mom in their much bigger apartment, and everything would feel just right.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank-you for reading!!!


End file.
